Carol:
Going, Going….
Apologizing is an art requiring honesty and good timing. Eloquence is an enhancement but not a replacement for sincerity. Apologizing for oneself is more like an “I’m sorry but…” I apologize for my poor cooking skills: fishing for a compliment or a sign of poor self-esteem? Apologizing for oneself can also be a way to justify behavior one doesn’t intend to or can’t change.
This morning Marc is returning from a week-long motorcycle trip along the California coast, and I am in a wee bit of stress. He will be hot and tired, and I like to have him come home to a clean, clutter-free house. If I don’t at least pick up the bedroom and kitchen, he will wonder what his retired wife has been doing all week. Then, I will have to apologize for myself. I think I’ll line up my excuses in advance, a kind of practice round with my loyal daily theme readers before Marc pulls into the driveway.
This morning Marc is returning from a week-long motorcycle trip along the California coast, and I am in a wee bit of stress. He will be hot and tired, and I like to have him come home to a clean, clutter-free house. If I don’t at least pick up the bedroom and kitchen, he will wonder what his retired wife has been doing all week. Then, I will have to apologize for myself. I think I’ll line up my excuses in advance, a kind of practice round with my loyal daily theme readers before Marc pulls into the driveway.
Excuse #1: I’m trying hard to finish my family history book before the end of the summer. I have learned so much this week about scanning, cropping, and enlarging old photographs. The only place where I could really find the space to spread out the scrapbooks, old letters and photos was our bedroom, where I could set up a card table and use the queen-size bed.
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| Sacred memories |
Excuse #2: It has been really, really hot. The air-conditioner doesn’t cool down the upstairs. I can’t get a cross-breeze going; we had to take the screen door from the upstairs bedroom balcony and move it downstairs because somebody’s dog (not mine) shredded the downstairs screen. Besides, if I get too much of a breeze in our bedroom, those photos and letters will blow all over the room and destroy my organized stacks. All this heat has drained my energy anyway for vacuuming or lugging laundry up and down three flights of stairs.
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| Sacred mounds |
Excuse #3: My fingers are a mess. I slashed my left thumb while cutting watermelon. I dropped a heavy lid on my right thumb and now the black and blue covers half the nail. And, I have puncture wounds on the front and back of my right second finger from trying to take a bone away from Milo. He didn’t deliberately bite me, mind you (after all, he’s perfect). He just mistook my finger for the bone I had removed from his jaws. With all the band-aids I’ve gone through and the throbbing which alternates between left and right hands, I don’t really feel like washing dishes. Megan has done a lot of the cooking and clean-up, but she is busy too (not that I would ever apologize or make excuses for her).
Excuse #4: today is the last day of my OLLI class on Myth in Human History, and I need to prepare for it. I haven’t really procrastinated. I got my PowerPoint presentation done a few days ago, and I wrote a poem about my geologist father because the topic is “Sacred Mountains.” The Great Courses DVD we are showing even uses the San Francisco Peaks as an example. I still have to watch the 45-minute lecture before I leave at 11:45.
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| Sacred mountains |
Dear readers, dear Marc. I really don’t like to make excuses for myself. I hate apologizing over and over again for untidiness, clutziness or procrastination. I would try to make my apology more sincere, more eloquent, but I just don’t have the time.
I’m going, going…….GONE.
Megan:
I’m not a big fan of apologies. Sometimes when I am hungry or hot, I will snap at my parents. If I’ve been extremely unreasonable, I will apologize, but usually I just make a joke after and then everything is ok. I prefer self-deprecating humor – which is different than fishing for compliments or putting oneself down. Making jokes about one’s failings is a way to find humor in an otherwise uncomfortable situation, and it puts others at ease. I guess I just don’t think apologies mean much because the words are so often used with no hint of regret or attempt to change behavior.
Like when people say, “I’m sorry, but…” Anytime I hear that I know it’s not a sincere apology, and what follows the “but” is usually an indictment. “I’m sorry but your feet really stink.” Or “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong.” Or, and this one I hate the most, “I’m sorry, but that’s the way I am.” Whenever I hear this, I feel like the person is actually saying “I don’t care that I hurt you. I will not even try to be considerate of your feelings.” Of course, after I snap at my parents (if I apologize), I’ll say, “I’m sorry but I’m really hot and hungry.” And what I’m really saying (although not consciously) is that “I’m not able to set aside my personal discomfort in order to be polite to you.” These words are not sincere requests for forgiveness.
Another way people use apologetic words is when conveying pity. When a fried has suffered some sort of personal tragedy, I will say “I’m sorry.” And invariably my friend says, “It’s not your fault” – which is a response appropriate for an apology. What I really meant was “I feel sorry for you” but people don’t like to hear it phrased that way because that’s also something we say when we’re trying to sound like the bigger person when actually we’re just being mean: “I feel sorry for that person who is going to die unloved and then burn in hell forever.” But whether we mean to be nice or not, they are not apologies.
We also use apologies to negotiate through heavy foot traffic. The British are constantly saying sorry. They use it the way we say “Excuse me” (also an apology) and in every context. If a person finds his way blocked by another, he will say “Sorry” to get the other person to move. Although it sounds like he is apologizing for making the other person move, he’s merely making his presence known. If two people are talking and one person either cannot hear (or is outraged by) what the other person has said, he will say “I’m sorry?” (or “I’M SORRY??!!) In both cultures, Sorry’s and Excuse me’s are often replaced by Pardons – yet another apologetic word.
So, after apologizing all day long, what are we supposed to say when we are truly repentant? “I was wrong” can work, but I’m wrong a lot without causing any harm, so that’s not a real apology either. “I can’t believe I did that” sounds like an accident. So does, “Whoops.” “Please forgive me” is supposed to come after the apology, not in its stead. “I will make it up to you” is closer, because it promises action. Maybe that’s all we can do, accept that words are not enough and try to do better next time.
Like when people say, “I’m sorry, but…” Anytime I hear that I know it’s not a sincere apology, and what follows the “but” is usually an indictment. “I’m sorry but your feet really stink.” Or “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong.” Or, and this one I hate the most, “I’m sorry, but that’s the way I am.” Whenever I hear this, I feel like the person is actually saying “I don’t care that I hurt you. I will not even try to be considerate of your feelings.” Of course, after I snap at my parents (if I apologize), I’ll say, “I’m sorry but I’m really hot and hungry.” And what I’m really saying (although not consciously) is that “I’m not able to set aside my personal discomfort in order to be polite to you.” These words are not sincere requests for forgiveness.
Another way people use apologetic words is when conveying pity. When a fried has suffered some sort of personal tragedy, I will say “I’m sorry.” And invariably my friend says, “It’s not your fault” – which is a response appropriate for an apology. What I really meant was “I feel sorry for you” but people don’t like to hear it phrased that way because that’s also something we say when we’re trying to sound like the bigger person when actually we’re just being mean: “I feel sorry for that person who is going to die unloved and then burn in hell forever.” But whether we mean to be nice or not, they are not apologies.
We also use apologies to negotiate through heavy foot traffic. The British are constantly saying sorry. They use it the way we say “Excuse me” (also an apology) and in every context. If a person finds his way blocked by another, he will say “Sorry” to get the other person to move. Although it sounds like he is apologizing for making the other person move, he’s merely making his presence known. If two people are talking and one person either cannot hear (or is outraged by) what the other person has said, he will say “I’m sorry?” (or “I’M SORRY??!!) In both cultures, Sorry’s and Excuse me’s are often replaced by Pardons – yet another apologetic word.
So, after apologizing all day long, what are we supposed to say when we are truly repentant? “I was wrong” can work, but I’m wrong a lot without causing any harm, so that’s not a real apology either. “I can’t believe I did that” sounds like an accident. So does, “Whoops.” “Please forgive me” is supposed to come after the apology, not in its stead. “I will make it up to you” is closer, because it promises action. Maybe that’s all we can do, accept that words are not enough and try to do better next time.
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