Topic 205: On Keeping a Secret

Carol:

Ask Me No Questions….

 Generally, I don’t care much for keeping a secret although I realize that depends on the what and why of it. I don’t like “skeleton in the closet” secrets, but I respect the privacy of people who confide in me. But, what about the garden variety little secrets that lead to happy endings? I’m just not very good at those. 
 

For one, I do not have a poker face. My family knows this and takes advantage. We used to play a game called Rommoli at big family gatherings for the holidays. The game would get pretty competitive, and the only edge I really had was being the youngest and thus not considered a threat.  During one round, I drew a hand that I knew could not be beaten in the poker phase. The more I looked at those cards, the more excited I got.   The corners of my mouth started to curl up in an uncontrollable grin. When we got to betting for the poker hand, my oldest brother looked at me and turned to the rest of the family. “Don’t bet anything. Look at Carol’s face. She has a winning hand.” So, I ended up taking the hand with absolutely no pay-off. I told you my family is competitive.
 
Not having a poker face is only part of the problem. The other part is that I hate to lie. Even the happiest secrets involve some dishonesty or equivocation. “No dear, I am not planning a surprise party for your birthday.” When asked a direct question, even though I want to keep the surprise, I get squirmy and uncomfortable inside or I break into that darn uncontrollable grin. Either way my body language is a give-away, so I try avoidance tactics, such as “Now dear, I know you don’t like surprise parties.”
 

I have managed to pull off surprises by only telling half the truth. And, the fun of watching the expression of delight on someone’s face  is worth the squirmy lies. When I threw a party for my mother’s 85th birthday, she took great pleasure in working on the invitation list with me and the details of food and decorations.  At the party, she was having such fun being regaled by her friends in the church choir that she didn’t notice when our back door opened In walked the secret “gift” I had managed to keep, both my brothers and their wives from California. The look of total joy on her face was worth keeping that particular secret.
 

I’m not the only one who has kept a secret like that. One of my favorite surprises came after my son was born. A friend in town invited me to a “little informal coffee gathering.” She said it might be hard to find a babysitter, so I was welcome to bring both the baby and the two-year old. The other ladies wouldn’t mind. When I came into her living room, the first person I saw was one of my neighbors. I remember thinking it an interesting coincidence that she knew my hostess. Then, in walked a friend from church, oh another interesting coincidence. When commented to my hostess about the serendipity of it all, and she burst out laughing. “Why, Carol, didn’t you figure out this is a baby shower for you?” Duh.
 

So, this is a big birthday year for my husband. For his last big birthday, I planned a surprise weekend at a beautiful hotel with lots of family. I may have something special planned already, maybe not. I’ll just stop there because he reads our Daily Theme essays, and I wouldn’t want him to start asking questions.

Megan:

Growing up, I was taught that secrets are lies. Being asked to keep a secret was being asked to lie, unless the secret was temporary, in the case of a surprise or a gift. I always had the feeling that my parents felt secrets within a family were a sign of oppression and dysfunction, and consequently they tried to raise my brother and I to be open and honest people.

 I remember only two times my father asked me to keep a secret – both times the secret was from my brother. My uncle died when I was 6, and my father asked me to keep the details from my brother who was 4 because he was too young to understand. The second time was when I confided to my father that I didn’t believe in God and wanted to stop going to church. I was 12, and my father told me it was important to set an example for my brother so I had to keep going and not mention anything to him. The first secret I understood, the second I resented.

Now that we are grown, my parents’ attitudes seem to have shifted. My mother has always been uncomfortable with the idea of keeping secrets, but at the same time has often said there are some things she doesn’t want to know. She also hates gossip, and tries to mind her own business, and depending on her mood she sometimes doesn’t even share things one might expect to come up in a normal conversation. While I was still in England, my brother lost his job. I didn’t speak to him as often as I did my parents, so it was several months before I found out. He was as surprised as I was that no one had told me. Living as far away as I did, I would have thought my parents would keep me up to date about the family.

As I’m writing this, I understand more why they discouraged secrets when we were children, but keep them now that we are adults. It was a matter of safety, I guess. Children should be raised without shame or fear, but adults have a right to some privacy. This is an issue that comes up often in my writing.  There are things that I know, events that have played a part in shaping me, that are not mine to share. There are things I have done, mistakes I have made and learned from, and because of the learning I cannot regret them. But still I hesitate to share them because I’m afraid it might change the way my parents look at me. This is exactly what they wanted to avoid by raising children to be open and honest, but it’s unescapable. Everyone keeps secrets from their parents.  We know they have unconditional love, but see no reason to test it.

Topic 186: On Deceiving Oneself

Carol:

What’s Up, Doc?   

I haven’t pulled a topic out of the daily theme basket lately that really excited or challenged me.  Megan thinks it’s because we are getting down to the end of the basket where the topics we rejected over the last nine months are starting to pile up. I think it’s because the topics are starting to overlap in my mind, and I feel like “been there, done that.” Frankly, I’m deceiving myself here with excuses. I’m often not enthusiastic because I have given in to one of my demon qualities, procrastination. And, when I rush to finish an essay instead of letting ideas percolate, my efforts become mediocre.
 

Trickster Coyote

Today, I procrastinated on getting my materials ready for the OLLI class I am co-facilitating on “Mythology and the Human Experience.” My job was to prep the introduction  for a segment on Native-American Trickster myths (raven, coyote, spider and hare). Trickster figures are “self-deceivers.” They often think they have the cunning and imagination to outsmart everyone else. They flaunt the tribal rules, go against the natural order of things, and end up oftentimes getting smacked for it in different ways.  In their elaborate efforts to deceive others, they deceive themselves into thinking this next time, this next trick…they will prevail. They DO prevail often enough to keep trying. I guess you might say they are “sophomoric,” the incarnation of the wise fool.
 

One such trickster is the Rabbit.  Like all tricksters, Rabbit boasts that he can do anything anybody else can...and better. He deceives himself into thinking that cunning will surpass his true nature so that he can fly like a bird or swim like an otter. In a Cherokee tale, even though he can’t swim, Rabbit shows off to Otter by “proving” that he eats ducks just like Otter.  He fashions a noose and rope, then dives from a bank into the water to catch a meal of duck just like Otter does. After several sputtering efforts, he reaches a duck and throws a noose over its head. The bird flies up from the water with Rabbit still hanging onto the noose. Rabbit cannot hold on and lets go of the rope, falling into a large tree stump: “and there he stayed until he was so hungry that he had to eat his own fur, as the rabbit does when he is starving.” (source; Mooney 40).
 

Rabbit eventually finds a way out of the tree using his cunning. Like the Energizer Bunny, the Trickster always keeps on going despite starving, drowning, incinerating and other near-death experiences. 
 

Trickster Br'er Rabbit

The trickster Rabbit appears in other cultures besides the folklore of the Cherokee, such as western, central and southern African stories. They are the basis of the southern stories of Bre’r Rabbit and the Uncle Remus stories, which Joel Chandler Harris wrote and published from oral forms. Looney Tunes brought us Bugs Bunny, who has many Trickster qualities except that his trickery usually leave him on top in his confrontations with Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, etc. Imagine the voice of Bugs Bunny as he speaks the words of his creator Bob Clampett:  “I always treat the contest with my pursuers as 'fun and games.' When momentarily I appear to be cornered or in dire danger and I scream, don't be consoined[sic] – it's actually a big put-on” (source: “Bugs Bunny”).
 

I see that my morning has disappeared, and I need to finish up. I hear in my head the words of another famous rabbit “I’m late, I’m late for a very important date…”


Source:
“Bugs Bunny.” Wikipedia.

Mooney, James.  Myths of the Cherokee.  P. 40

Megan:

On Deceiving Oneself

In a different mood, I might have a different response to this topic. I might think of all the times I’ve said things like “I let myself believe…” or “I fooled myself…” or “I was lying to myself…” We claim an ability to “trick” ourselves, when in reality we are belatedly trying to justify an action that we knew was wrong. I don't believe it is possible to deceive your own self.

Examples of other kinds of deception abound. Commercial advertising, for example, often deceives consumers by pairing a product with a desirable or aspirational image (ie shampoo with a supermodel), which suggests that the former produced the latter, and can do the same for you!  By inundating the public (and especially girls and young women) with unnatural and unattainable standards of beauty, these companies ensure a continuous demand for their products. But this is common knowledge, right? Everyone knows that stick thin models are bad examples for insecure teenage girls. Yet new ads come out all the time, for diet plans and prepackaged “healthy snacks” all following the same template -- because it works, because people still buy the products, because people still want to believe.

In the nutrition class I am taking, we recently watched a video lecture about how to respond to people who will criticize or naysay the benefits of a vegan diet. The lecturer was a psychologist named Doug Lisle, author of The Pleasure Trap (from where his lecture was drawn). He pointed out that the challenges will come from two separate groups – from those who are nutritionally ignorant (“Where do you get your protein?”) and from those who know the benefits, but for whatever reason choose not to follow the diet themselves. And, he warned us,  it is from this second group that the criticisms will be more emotional and manipulative. Alcoholics in recovery often lose their drinking friends, who perceive abstinence to be an indictment of their own behavior. Dr. Lisle warns that people who “know the truth” but are unable to apply it in their own life, will feel threatened and judged by one who can.  But it is Ego, rather than self-deception, that provokes this reaction.

I use these two examples on purpose, and I want to acknowledge the “hypocrisy.” I’m very vocal about my resentment of the advertising industry, and not because I am able to rise above and see it for what it is. I resent it because I have fallen for it. I buy the department store makeup, the hair dye, and the shoes that are supposed to make my ass look great. I’ve resisted dieting in the past (with one dangerous exception*) because I didn’t want to be one of those women – obsessed with calorie counting and scales and “a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.” I told myself being overweight was a way to rebel against the superficial.

I don’t consider veganism a “diet.” For myself, this is a bit of an experiment. What I’m learning in class makes sense to me, and I’m seeing results. I don’t just mean weight loss. It’s easier for me to get up in the morning, and I have more energy. I don’t feel tired after I eat. So, I’m going to stick with it for a while and see how it goes, even if it does seem that by trying to lose weight I’m allowing myself to be deceived by a superficial and artificial ideal.

* I tried the Cambridge Diet a few years ago when a lot of my colleagues were also doing it. I lost a lot of weight very quickly, but my hair started falling out and my gums began to recede. I am more concerned about keeping my teeth and hair than I am about losing weight – probably because toothless, bald women are not considered attractive in our society.

Topic 40: An Apology for Polite Lying

Carol:

I Owe You an Apology

One of my favorite family members has always shown integrity in his words and actions, even as a small child.  He is not rude, unkind, or thoughtless, but he is honest to a fault. We’ve heard this expression before, right? Honest to a fault. The expression implies that sometimes it is better to lie if…it protects someone else from harm or hurt? Situational ethics.

Consider this parent/child scenario. Three generations of family gather around the Christmas tree. Grandma smiles on sofa as she watches adorable little  Katie open her grandmother’s gift, a sweet little Christmas keepsake engraved with Katie’s name and the date. Grand-daughter tears open the wrapping and stares at the tiny gold decoration in…gratitude? Not quite. She hurls the ornament across the room, yelling “I hate it!” Honest to a fault.  Mortified, Dad grabs Katie, “That’s not nice. Apologize to your Grandma, right now." A guileless Katie might stomp her foot and say “No. I won’t.”  A compliant Katie might pout and whisper an obviously insincere “I’m sorry, Grandma.” A contrite Katie might run to Grandma for a hug, “I’m sorry, Grandma.” Underlying this scenario is the idea that an apology only has value if it is heartfelt. An insincere expression of remorse or regret is what G.K. Chesterton calls “a second insult.”

Chesterton the Apologist

Now, the word “apology” has another meaning quite different than “an expression of regret” although we don’t hear that reference much anymore. Philosophically, an apology is a defense of an unpopular or minority position.  William F. Buckley was a major 20th century Apologist for Conservative viewpoint. C.S. Lewis was a major 20th century Apologist for Christian orthodoxy. Lewis himself  was strongly influenced by the apologetics of G.K. Chesterton, known more today for his delightful Father Brown mysteries than for his powerful religious treatises. The full Chesterton quotation, which really hinges on the notion of compassion, is: “A stiff apology is a second insult... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt”(source: brainquote.com). 


Let’s get back to the parent/child scenario around the Christmas tree. A socially savvy Katie might pause for a minute and then apologize to Grandma with a “polite lie,” Grandma, I’m sorry. I really DO like your gift.” A tactful Katie might say with honesty, “Grandma, I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings when I threw that expensive keepsake ornament all the way across the room and almost decapitated the cat.” Or, budding Apologist Katie might say, “Grandma. I realize  that my sudden outburst might have hurt your feelings. However, modern science advocates that free and honest expression of emotions is more psychologically healthy than either stifling those feelings. I know you value honesty and would not condone hypocrisy for the sake of good manners.”

And that, dear readers, is my Apology for Apologizing. Sincerely Yours.


Sources: G.K. Chesterton quote
"Chesterton the Apologist." By John Warwick Montgomery, Patrick  Henry College.

Megan:

 “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” no longer seems to be the rule. Instead, it has been replaced with, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, make something up.” 

In polite, but superficial conversation, little lies make up the majority of what is said:

“How are you? Tell me everything” (Please don’t tell me everything.)
“Oh fine. Everything’s fine” (Everything is NOT fine.)
“Is business good?”(Don't care)
“Never better” (Never worse)
“Well, you look great!” (You look terrible.)
“You too, have you lost weight?” (More like gained weight)
“Thanks so much for noticing.” (Asshole)
“We must have lunch one of these days” (Not that you need lunch)
“Of course. I’ll call you!” (I’m not going to call you)

In England, polite conversation rarely approaches the personal. Instead, it centers on the weather (and sometimes sports) – also mundane, but not soul-suckingly disingenuous.  Some people cannot handle small talk – the hypocrisy and BS feel like a huge waste of time. It’s never come naturally to me, and although I’m getting better at pulling it off, it’s difficult for me to move beyond the greeting.  Then I stand there awkwardly and fidget (that's why I liked smoking. It gave me something to do with my hands).

If you don’t lie, what is there to talk about? This theme has been explored several times in film – Liar Liar and The Invention of Lying both involve characters (or a whole world) that not only cannot lie,  also have no filters.



Comedic value aside, if that situation occurred in real life, even if people couldn’t lie, they wouldn’t volunteer a running commentary of every thought and feeling that passed through their minds. On the other hand, where would our society be without polite lying? I love this Geico commercial about Honest Abe:




He could have saved himself so much trouble. Sometimes polite lying is necessary to avoid hurt feelings and awkward moments. But in other cases, maybe we should consider going back to the original rule, or like the English, restrict our comments to the weather.