Topic 40: An Apology for Polite Lying

Carol:

I Owe You an Apology

One of my favorite family members has always shown integrity in his words and actions, even as a small child.  He is not rude, unkind, or thoughtless, but he is honest to a fault. We’ve heard this expression before, right? Honest to a fault. The expression implies that sometimes it is better to lie if…it protects someone else from harm or hurt? Situational ethics.

Consider this parent/child scenario. Three generations of family gather around the Christmas tree. Grandma smiles on sofa as she watches adorable little  Katie open her grandmother’s gift, a sweet little Christmas keepsake engraved with Katie’s name and the date. Grand-daughter tears open the wrapping and stares at the tiny gold decoration in…gratitude? Not quite. She hurls the ornament across the room, yelling “I hate it!” Honest to a fault.  Mortified, Dad grabs Katie, “That’s not nice. Apologize to your Grandma, right now." A guileless Katie might stomp her foot and say “No. I won’t.”  A compliant Katie might pout and whisper an obviously insincere “I’m sorry, Grandma.” A contrite Katie might run to Grandma for a hug, “I’m sorry, Grandma.” Underlying this scenario is the idea that an apology only has value if it is heartfelt. An insincere expression of remorse or regret is what G.K. Chesterton calls “a second insult.”

Chesterton the Apologist

Now, the word “apology” has another meaning quite different than “an expression of regret” although we don’t hear that reference much anymore. Philosophically, an apology is a defense of an unpopular or minority position.  William F. Buckley was a major 20th century Apologist for Conservative viewpoint. C.S. Lewis was a major 20th century Apologist for Christian orthodoxy. Lewis himself  was strongly influenced by the apologetics of G.K. Chesterton, known more today for his delightful Father Brown mysteries than for his powerful religious treatises. The full Chesterton quotation, which really hinges on the notion of compassion, is: “A stiff apology is a second insult... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt”(source: brainquote.com). 


Let’s get back to the parent/child scenario around the Christmas tree. A socially savvy Katie might pause for a minute and then apologize to Grandma with a “polite lie,” Grandma, I’m sorry. I really DO like your gift.” A tactful Katie might say with honesty, “Grandma, I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings when I threw that expensive keepsake ornament all the way across the room and almost decapitated the cat.” Or, budding Apologist Katie might say, “Grandma. I realize  that my sudden outburst might have hurt your feelings. However, modern science advocates that free and honest expression of emotions is more psychologically healthy than either stifling those feelings. I know you value honesty and would not condone hypocrisy for the sake of good manners.”

And that, dear readers, is my Apology for Apologizing. Sincerely Yours.


Sources: G.K. Chesterton quote
"Chesterton the Apologist." By John Warwick Montgomery, Patrick  Henry College.

Megan:

 “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” no longer seems to be the rule. Instead, it has been replaced with, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, make something up.” 

In polite, but superficial conversation, little lies make up the majority of what is said:

“How are you? Tell me everything” (Please don’t tell me everything.)
“Oh fine. Everything’s fine” (Everything is NOT fine.)
“Is business good?”(Don't care)
“Never better” (Never worse)
“Well, you look great!” (You look terrible.)
“You too, have you lost weight?” (More like gained weight)
“Thanks so much for noticing.” (Asshole)
“We must have lunch one of these days” (Not that you need lunch)
“Of course. I’ll call you!” (I’m not going to call you)

In England, polite conversation rarely approaches the personal. Instead, it centers on the weather (and sometimes sports) – also mundane, but not soul-suckingly disingenuous.  Some people cannot handle small talk – the hypocrisy and BS feel like a huge waste of time. It’s never come naturally to me, and although I’m getting better at pulling it off, it’s difficult for me to move beyond the greeting.  Then I stand there awkwardly and fidget (that's why I liked smoking. It gave me something to do with my hands).

If you don’t lie, what is there to talk about? This theme has been explored several times in film – Liar Liar and The Invention of Lying both involve characters (or a whole world) that not only cannot lie,  also have no filters.



Comedic value aside, if that situation occurred in real life, even if people couldn’t lie, they wouldn’t volunteer a running commentary of every thought and feeling that passed through their minds. On the other hand, where would our society be without polite lying? I love this Geico commercial about Honest Abe:




He could have saved himself so much trouble. Sometimes polite lying is necessary to avoid hurt feelings and awkward moments. But in other cases, maybe we should consider going back to the original rule, or like the English, restrict our comments to the weather.