Topic 31: On Stepping Aside

Carol:

Deal Me Out

   

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.        --Kenny Rogers “The Gambler”

I’m going to Las Vegas today, so my mind has been on gambling images. I have been to Las Vegas many times, always for education conferences. This time, I am going along for the fun of it while my husband goes to a professional conference. Because…. I am retired. I loved teaching, and I loved my job, but I was ready to retire, really ready. Thanks to an experimental “phased retirement option,” I had three years of half-time teaching to make the transition to a different kind of life and different kind of pace. I get up every morning excited to start my routine that now includes reading and writing for pleasure instead of work. Most people don’t have the luxury of choosing how and when they will retire, my own father being such an example.

Ed Scott, Alaska 1937

Ed Scott graduated from UCLA in 1932 in the middle of the Depression with a degree in geology.  He was lucky to find a job, and he was lucky to get one that he loved. Being a field geologist in the 30’s was an adventure; he kept a suitcase packed and never went on a trip without his rock pick. His first  summer at Union Oil  in 1933, he rode the countryside around Santa Barbara on horseback taking notes to turn into geological survey maps. He spent six months in the late 30’s in Alaska, camping and riding Kodiak Island doing “exploration research.” He was exploring the coast of British Honduras (now Belize) in the spring of 1970 when a plane dropped off the message that his mother died. He was carrying that rock pick in his luggage when he came home from the funeral.
Ed worked for the same company, Union Oil for 45 years. He watched the company and the industry change dramatically during that time span. As late as the 1950’s, Union Oil still felt like a small family, and it cultivated loyalty through old-fashioned family picnics and holiday gatherings at the home of its then president, Cy Rubel. Corporate restructuring and mergers changed that. By the time he retired in 1974, Ed was “Manager of Exploration Research,” and he told me most of the men who worked under him had graduate degrees and “high tech” training. Union Oil became Unocal and mapping by horseback was replaced by satellite imaging.

I guess Dad wasn’t ready to “fold his hand” when he retired because a year later in 1975 he was hired by the US Geological Survey. I wasn’t around for the conversations that took place between him and my mother during that year when the retiree had exchanged his pick ax for a golf club. She was a company wife for those 45 years, after all, and not really used to have him underfoot 24 hours a day. The retired geologist got back in the game for ten more years, an active and productive time with a government agency that appreciated his expertise and wisdom.

I appreciated that wisdom too. He taught me lessons about work, about play, and about timing. Everything I know about gin rummy I learned from him, and it was mostly about timing, knowing when to lay down the cards early for points or to strategize to “go for the gin.”  Retirement?  It’s all about timing.

Megan:

How (not) to Step Aside

Say you find out the person you’ve been dating is thinking about returning to their ex, or is interested in someone else. There are a couple ways to handle this. You can scream and cry and create a lot of drama. You can step aside gracefully.  You can combine the two – although it is difficult to scream and cry gracefully and then step aside dramatically.  I have tried some variation of them all, as this is something that seems to keep happening to me.  So here is a list of 10 things to remember not to do, if you should find yourself in this situation.

1. Do not measure their time together against your time together: If they were together for six years, and you were together for 3 weeks--  Six years wins.
2. Do not send emotional texts or emails – the digital age has no eraser. If you must leave whiny, pleading messages, consider writing them in condensation from the morning dew on his car. This is romantic, but also … creepy.
3. Do not corner him in the parking lot after work. This will force him to say a bunch of mean things that are also true. You will feel bad after.
4. Do not start dating his best friend.
5. Do not burst into tears the first time you see them together again, especially if you are at a New Years Eve party and slightly tipsy.
6. Do not stare at her engagement ring.
7. Do not believe him when you run into him alone and he drunkenly confides that he made a mistake and that there will not be a wedding.
8. Do not stand across the street and watch as they enter the church to get married. This will not feel like closure, it will just hurt. And again, creepy.
9. Do not forget to say "Congratulations" when he tells you about the baby.
10. Do not quit your job and leave the country, unless there are other good reasons to do so.

Of course, this is not the complete list – a list of what not to do could go on forever (for example: do not kidnap his dog). You might consider becoming friends with the new girlfriend (but it depends on how you acted during the transition). Some of my best friends started out as the partners of the object of my affection, and have stayed my friends long after the affection has faded. The important thing to remember when stepping aside is to act with confidence as though it was your idea – as though you are doing them a favor – even though, more likely than not, you have no choice in the matter whatsoever. That’s the graceful part.