Topic 32: Company Manners

Carol:

Minding Our Peas and Queues

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."(Emily Post)

Emily Post

Raise your hand if you have heard of Emily Post. Anyone? Anyone? I suspect this best-selling author is no longer a household name, but when I was growing up, Post was the touchstone for appropriate behavior in any situation, in other words good manners. There really wasn’t a distinction drawn between good manners in private and good manners in public, as I recall, but my mother wanted to make sure I went out into the world well-prepared for any situation, so she gave me Emily Post’s book on manners as a high school graduation gift, a hefty 800 pages of rules for life. It was the umpteenth version of a book simply called Etiquette that Post had first published in 1922.

People may think of etiquette as an endless series of old-fashioned, stuffy rules of behavior, anachronistic in the 21st century. Certainly, that impression is reinforced by  the 1869   Frost's Laws and by-laws of American society: a condensed but thorough treatise on etiquette and its usages in America, containing plain and reliable directions for deportment in every situation in life. Quite a mouthful of a title. In her introduction, Sarah Annie Frost notes that  rules of comportment are based on the principles of comfort and convenience;  disconnected from those values, rules of behavior achieve the opposite effect and “must inevitably produce discomfort and extravagance of behavior” (9). I don’t think Frost would argue at all with Emily Post’s use of the phrase “sensitivity to the needs of others” as a broad definition of the word “etiquette.”

This idea of the spirit or values behind the rules sometimes gets lost when we look only at the minutia of social situations: how to set a table, going through a receiving line  at a wedding, what to bring the hostess at a dinner party. But Frost, Post and other etiquette writers also provide rules for handling grief and loss. In a 2008 review of Laura Claridge’s book Emily Post: Daughter of the Gilded Age, Mistress of American Manners, Azra Raza comments that she was surprised at the inappropriate and awkward responses of family and friends when her husband died, and that Post felt it it is exactly at such moments of intense emotion that “etiquette performs its most vital and real service” (qtd in Azra).

So, is the art of etiquette on the outs? Is Emily Post a has-been? In actuality, Emily Post has become a family business, and in 1946 Post and son Ned founded The Emily Post Institute, which now has a home on the web at emilypost.com   No less than seven family members are directors, authors, and speakers for The Emily Post Institute. And, the website includes an interactive “Etipedia” with the latest “company manners” related to instant messaging, tweeting, and social networking. 

My niece came for a quick visit last week with her two toddlers, and we enjoyed a multi-generational family meal. They may not know who Emily Post is, but the first rules of “company manners” are already in place: no farting, no farting talk, no burping, and… what do we say? Anyone? Anyone? PLEASE pass the potatoes. THANK YOU.


Sources:
Emily Post Institute
Sarah Annie Frost
Raza, Azra. “RX: Emily Post and Laura Claridge: Two Women Possessing the Genius of Etiquette (book review)
               

Megan:

Two common interpretations of this topic apply to how one acts when one either has a guest or is a guest.  There are a number of rules of etiquette applicable to both, but I have to confess that although I am aware of these rules, I hardly ever remember to follow them. There are reasons for this, but first, let us examine some of the rules of hospitality required of hosts and guests.

If you have a guest:                             If you are a guest:

Be clean                                                 Stay clean
Offer drinks/food                                    Accept drinks/food
Do not fight with spouse/partner            Do not overstay your welcome

Now I will go through each of these rules, and explain where I have fallen down in the past.

If I know that guests are expected, then of course I clean the house. But I discovered while I was living alone that keeping a tidy house is not actually my natural state. In England, people had a habit of dropping by unannounced, which is something I actively discouraged. I made it known that I needed at least an hour’s notice, or one would not be admitted.  I think I inherited this personality quirk from my grandmother.

As a guest, keeping the house clean is somewhat easier. You make the bed, help with dishes and try not to be sick in the bathroom. It’s the last one I have the most problems with – I can’t count how many times I have had food poisoning or nasty migraine headaches while staying with friends. Getting sick in someone else’s house is pretty much my worst nightmare, and it happens to me all the time.

Offering and accepting food and drinks is not something I’m very good at. In England, the first thing anyone does when you walk into their house, or their office (or the library) is say, “Shall I put the kettle on?” and offer a cup of tea. I never remembered to do this, mostly because I don’t drink tea. Or coffee. Unless it’s offered to me.

                        
And then only sometimes. The reason I have a hard time accepting food or drink, is that I have a slightly codependent streak that doesn’t want anyone to go to any trouble. This is the only situation where that comes up (as it obviously doesn’t cause me to compulsively offer refreshments in return). But if anyone offers me a drink or food, my first instinct is always to say no. I just can’t help it. I think I get this from my grandmother as well.

Finally, there is not fighting with spouse/partner and not overstaying your welcome. I don’t have a partner, nor do I remember ever fighting publicly when I did. But I have witnessed this behavior as a guest, and it made me uncomfortable. 

But not uncomfortable enough to leave. I am a super-over-stayer (made-up-word!!). I have reasons for this too. While living abroad, I would sometimes go years without seeing some of my friends, and when we did get together I made the most of it. So, if I haven’t seen you for a few years, and it took me 3 days to drive to your house, I don’t care if you are getting divorced in front of my face, I am staying.

After all, who knows if I’ll ever be invited back.