Topic 33: On Being Good Company for Oneself

Carol:

It is Carol's turn to fall ill, and she reports that she is not good company for anyone at the moment. Except for Milo.

Megan:

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. Confucius

Well, yesterday’s topic leads rather nicely into today’s. Now that we know how to act (and not to act) with company, (or as company) should we not treat ourselves with the same respect? Setting aside the fighting with a spouse/partner rule, it may seem obvious that we should keep ourselves clean and to offer and accept food and drink. And it should be impossible to overstay your welcome with yourself. Yet anyone who has ever suffered from depression will tell you that it is not only possible, but probable that each of these rules can be set aside.

This is a difficult topic to write such a short essay on without resorting to clichés. There are legions of self-help books written on this subject that address issues of insecurity and self-esteem; throw around terms like self-actualization and finding the goddess within; use meditation and diets and workbooks and retreats –all with the ultimate goal of being good company for oneself.

It is easier to be bad company for oneself. I don’t know about you, but on occasion, I have treated myself with less compassion and respect than I would wish on my worst enemy. That can be partly blamed on not grasping cause and effect, on being young and stupid, but I’ve reached the point where I can’t blame my behavior on being young anymore. So, that just leaves stupid, and who wants that?

When I was in my early 20’s, I moved a lot – between college and home and England and college and home and England again. I moved 9 times in 5 years, each time wondering if I would be able to reinvent myself in a new place. I’m sure that my personality is pretty much set now, but hopefully not my habits. When I revisit the different people I knew in the places I lived, I have learned that my bad habits and the ways I used to mistreat myself sometimes reoccur. In England, I spent the days in prison always drenched in a slightly fearful anticipation that something bad might happen, a feeling that the green countryside and the pubs didn’t quite manage to erase. Visiting friends in Portland, I smoke cigarettes because they do, but I am placid and easygoing and can imagine a full life in that place. My cleanest living goes on at my parents’ house, for obvious reasons, but I am often impatient and I bite my nails.

Now that I am old enough to understand the full implications of cause and effect, I want to be better company for myself. And when that happens, I will want to still be there, no matter where I go.