Topic 57: Etiquette for Ancestors

Carol:

We Gather Together

The feast of Thanksgiving fast approaches, which shall be commemorated as ordered by our President Lincoln in his proclamation of October 3 in this year of our Lord, 1863,

           I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States,
           and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign
           lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a
           day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in
           the Heavens. (Source: Proclamation of President Abraham Lincoln, October 3,
          1863)

Thanksgiving, Civil War Camp, 1861

 As much as we  sorrow at the continuing strife of this tragic War, we gather at table to praise the courage of our Pilgrim ancestors who arrived as weary strangers upon this great country’s eastern shores. We give Thanks as humble servants of our Lord by sharing our abundance with both kin and stranger, neighbor and wayfarer. In order to conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of our forefathers and our Faith, we must remember that, as we have been taught that “cleanliness is next to Godliness,” so we may say the same about comportment. We have only to follow the guidance of two books on our library shelf, the Holy Bible and George Winfred Hervey’s  The Principles of Courtesy: with Hints and Observations of Manners and Habits (1856).
 

First, let us put into mind that Honor takes precedence above other rules of comportment when we welcome others into our home. Mr. Hervey directs us to serve our guests as determined by their “title, birth, rank in profession, age, sex. marriage, and hospitality” (197).  
 

How, then, does Mr. Hervey guide us in honoring our Thanksgiving guests? The stranger takes precedence over all others. We follow Biblical teachings when we offer service to wayfarers:  first at table, first in respect. Hebrews 13:2   ”Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” As our own ancestors were “strangers in a strange land,”  immigrants filled with both trepidation and hope, we extend courtesy to those who may be far from home, praying in turn that our kin who are far from us receive the same hospitality.

We then look to age as the precedent. Mr. Hervey would remind us to be careful not to offend:  “None but the very aged ladies, however, are to be offered the precedence in virtue of their years” (197). Among our younger guests, the ladies take precedence, and the married over the single. In the case of the gentlemen, rank is afforded the man of letters over the man of industry according to “the laws of precedence” (198).

Once we are seated at table, we choose our words to  avoid gossip and controversy. Unpleasant, coarse or unduly intellectual topics are not only rude when both Ladies and Gentlemen are present, but they are harmful to the digestion. Silence shall be maintained both during and after the Blessing. After a respectful pause, humility and restraint in conversation shall prevail.

Should you wish further guidance on choosing polite conversation topics and maintaining rhetorical decorum, I recommend  another of George Winfred Hervey’s  popular books, Rhetoric of Conversation: or, Bridles & Spurs for the Management of the Tongue (1854).

As we gather together this Thursday, whether as a stranger at someone else’s table or as the host to friends and family, we should all be mindful that Pilgrim Brewster, President Lincoln, and Mr. Hervey would all concur that we can best be guided  in our comportment, indeed in all our affairs, by the simple words of the childhood hymn, “Be Ye Kind to One Another.”

Sources:
 
Hervey, George Winfred. The principles of courtesy: with hints and observations on manners and habits. Harper & Brothers:1856. Making of America Books.
  

Megan:

Etiquette for Ancestors: A Guide to (Polite) Haunting  

When haunting the home of your descendants, a ghost (or spirit, phantom, shade, soul or specter – however you like to think of yourself) should adhere to the same three rules you followed when alive and visiting relatives. Just because you are dead, there is no excuse to be rude.

1.    Stay clean
Poltergeists are the most destructive and least welcome spiritual guests. If you’re constantly breaking things and scaring the children, there’s a good chance that your beloved family will either move or get someone in to perform an exorcism. So, don’t break stuff, and put things back where you find them. When you’re a guest, living or dead, it’s best to be as unobtrusive as possible.

2.    Accept drinks/food
Yes, I know you’re dead and you can’t technically eat, but that hasn’t stopped people from leaving food and drink as offerings for the ancestors for thousands of years.  This tradition is common in cultures around the world. Mexicans have the Dia de los Muertos. Filipinos, Koreans, Japanese, Nepalese, Chinese and some African tribes all observe similar traditions and leave food as an offering for their dead ancestors. As with their living guests, this is a sign of hospitality, in addition to honoring you for the gift of life.

3.    Do not overstay your welcome.
The final rule is very important. There is no preset time limit to haunting the house of your descendent. Following the previous rules may enhance everyone’s experience and enable the visit to be extended. It depends on the goal of the visit. If you are there simply to observe and are undetected, then you can stay as long as you want. If it’s a more interactive visit, then it depends on how happy your descendents are to see (hear, smell, touch) you. Some living people are comfortable with the idea of an open border with the spirit world, but others are more conservative. They may appreciate you giving them a hand during the grieving process, helping them find the will or the money buried under the porch, but in the end, they may prefer to meet you on the other side. 

It goes without saying that once your descendents have vacated a property, it is not appropriate to continue to haunt it. It’s not your home; you have no legal claim to it. Again, such behavior may lead the occupants to move or call in the exorcist. No one this side really knows what that entails, but it’s an awkward and unpleasant experience for everyone involved. But if you follow those three simple rules, then you may met with welcome rather than annoyance, or fear.